Part VII: Feeling the Touch of Their Spirit (The Stages of Grief Healing Book 7)

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I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves. Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in mummy's heart, cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part. To those who look away when I grow teary-eyed in the baby department, look a little deeper. Surely you have some compassion in your heart. To those who change the subject when I speak my sons' names, change your way of thinking.

It just might change your whole life. To those who roll their eyes and say that we barely had them at all, how could we miss them so much. In our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times. We have seen their first steps, first day of school, their weddings, and their children. We have had them forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, we did.

Narcissistic Discard: 7 Stages of Grief

I thank God for her everyday, but even if I have twenty more babies, I will forever have two in the grave, and that is two too many. To those who say to get on with my life, I have. It is a different life, the life of a grieving mother. One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for, but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of! She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. Being a victim is a state of mind dictated by others. A survivor dictates their own state of mind. A victim fears the moments of grief A survivor welcomes those moments A victim knows about feeling down and tries to stay up A survivor knows feeling down is okay A victim tries hard to hide the tears A survivor nevers leaves home without kleenex A victim struggles to maintain a state of normalcy A survivor knows normal no longer exists. A victim gets caught in isolation A survivor reaches out when they need to A victim is aftraid they in time will forget A survivor knows they never will A victim sometimes feels guilty laughing A survivor laughs through their tears A victims tries at times to block out the memories A survivor embraces memories of all kinds A victims wants someone to cure their grief A survivor just wants someone to share their journey A victim struggles to get over their grief A survivor fights to get though it A victim tries to get on with their life A survivor lives their life knowing nothing will ever be the same A victim says OH , I'm okay, then secretly cries A survivor openly cries and says I'm okay by Helen Steiner Rice.

If you say to me, how are you going? With such sympathy and meaning in your voice I'll reply "I'm fine" and brush you off, Because to talk about my loss with you today is just too painful. If you see me and don't mention the loss that is consuming my thoughts, I'll think you don't care enough, or are too scared to mention it to me For fear that you might upset me.

If you say, "I'm sorry that your baby died", it's hard for me to reply to that. What do you expect me to say? I want to say, "I'm sorry too! Or it's awful". I want to scream, "it's not fair! So I'll reply "thank you. It means thanks for caring, thanks for remembering, thanks for trying to help, Thanks for realizing that I'm that I'm still in pain. If you don't know what to say to me, that's okay, because I don't know what to say to you either.

If you see me smile or laugh, don't assume that I must have forgotten my baby for a moment, Because I haven't, I can't and I never will. Tell me that I look good today. I will know what you mean. I'm getting good at picking up unspoken cues from you. If you see me and think that I look sad or upset, you're probably right.

Today might be an anniversary for me or some event might have triggered a wave of grief in me. If you don't say anything I'll think you don't care about me, But if you do say something it might make me feel worse. You could try asking if I want to talk, but don't be surprised if I say no. Don't give up on me, please don't give up. I need your caring. I need your attempts, however feeble, however trite you feel they are. I need your thoughts, I need your prayers, I need your love and your persistence.

I need all that, but most of all, I need to be treated normally, like it used to be before all this happened. But I know that is impossible. That carefree, naive person is gone forever, and I'm mourning that loss too. You can't win with me. Often in times of trouble we don't know what to say, So we choose to say nothing, and sometimes run away.

When friends are really hurting, we don't know what to do, So we offer weak excuses or say we're hurting too. It really doesn't matter what kind of gift we bring; We only need to be there if we don't bring a thing. It truly is amazing what a hug can do, When heartache numbs the senses, and friends depend on you.

There's comfort just in knowing that you are not alone, When tears are overflowing, and hearts are cold as stone. It's the loving prayers of others that balance our accounts, For when we measure love, it's still the thought that counts. By Clay Harrison. One night a man had a dream.

He dreamt that he was walking along a beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: One belonging to him and the other to the Lord. When the last scenes of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there were only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord, "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow You, You'd walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most, you would leave me. During your times of trail and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. Last night two little angels Came and whispered in my ear. It feels like a long time Since we last felt your touch. And we wanted you to know We miss you and Daddy very much.

We know that you love us And think of us every day. And it makes us very sad that we had to go away. But we know that our memory will never ever die. And we know that sometimes When you think of us you cry. And every day remember We are watching over you. Then my angels kissed me As tears rolled down my face. Another place. Author unknown. We go through life so often Not stopping to enjoy the day, And we take each one for granted As we travel on our way.

A kiss that is sent from Heaven A kiss from up above, A kiss that is very special From someone that you love. So when your hearts are heavy And filled with tears and pain, And no one can console you Remember once again About the ones you grieve for Because you sadly miss And the gentle breeze you took for granted Was just Sometimes love is for a lifetime. Sometimes a moment is a lifetime".

It must be very difficult To be a man in grief, Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong" No tears can bring relief. It must be very difficult To stand up to the test And field calls and visitors So she can get some rest. They always ask if she's all right And what she's going through But seldom take his hand and ask, "My friend, but how are you?

Author: Eileen Knight Hagemeister to her son-in-law after his baby girl was born still. Mummy I am in Heaven so please don't shed your tears I can see you and I love you and I will through all the years I know you are my mother and none other would I have chose For even up here in Heaven true love continues to grow. Daddy I see that sometimes when you are all alone your eyes get kind of misty and your thoughts they kind of roam You are thinking of how things would be if I was there with you all the things you would have taught me and watched me as I grew.

But I still love you my dear parents as if I was there on earth I remember how you longed for me and looked forward to my birth. There was nothing you did wrong so please put your minds at rest, God just wanted to keep me and you know He picks the best. And one day we will all be together in our castle in the sky true peace and love and happiness, things money cannot buy And you can hold your angel and sing me a lullaby for a parent's love for their children is a love that will never die.

Both our hearts were shattered And still they bleed today As our family is incomplete Whilst you girls are so far away. But we hold our memories close Of your little lives…. Today is just so special to us But still so very sad Wishing we could celebrate All that we will never have. It should be filled with laughter Presents, cake and games Celebrating the precious lives Of two little girls the same.

But our distance will never stop us From remembering you today And coming together as a family To wish you a Happy Birthday. We send you lots of hugs And kisses to you above Wishing you heavenly birthday surprises And a birthday full of love. Moments of sadness During a time of grief A shattered heart cries And continues to bleed. For sadly too soon A dream had come true And two little girls Arrived before they were due. As quickly as you came You left us behind To return to your home Amongst a more peaceful mankind.

I call on my Angels To help me believe That you girls are still here And you will never ever leave. Travelling with the breeze An Angel kiss from above Appears as a butterfly To send me your love. It flutters around me And frolicks about Then calls on her sister To come on out.

One little, one big To show me you're near I'm touched with a blessing So real and so clear. Just for a moment You allow me to see That you truly are here And now I believe. You bring a smile to my heart While you fly around together Sisters for life And daughters forever. The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. Author: Helen Keller.

So think of your darling With the angels above Secure and contented And surrounded by love. Author Marigrace Iodice. It's so very hard to understand why one so small is taken, leaving a Mom and Dad behind with hearts so badly aching. There are so many things in life that no one really understands. But the child you hold in your heart, God now holds in His hands. Cared for and nurtured by the Father, she will grow and mature in His love, while angels guide and protect her in her Heavenly home up above. They will tell her she was, oh, so special to you both, in every way as they spend countless hours preparing for your reunion One Grand Day!

They will take her to the edges of Heaven and let her look, often, down below to see the Mom and Dad down here that she didn't get much time to know. So as you gaze up into the sky, know she's now in a Glorious place, and maybe she's looking back to you searching for a smile upon your face. For I'm certain that in her little heart it grieves her to see you so sad, for she knows she had the very best The world's greatest Mom and Dad!

You never said I'm leaving You never said good-bye You were gone before I knew it And only God knew why A million times we've needed you, A million times we've cried. If love alone could've saved you, You never would have died. In life we loved you dearly, In death we love you still. In our hearts you hold a place, No one else will ever fill. It broke our hearts to lose you, But you didn't go alone. Part of us went with you, The day God took you home.

Dear Friend, today you broke my heart, In a place that was unbroken.

FEEL SPIRITUALLY CONNECTED EVERY DAY

You did it with your thoughtless words That should not have been spoken. You know that I am grieving, That my pain is deep and real. Your hurtful words pierced like a knife. How do you think I feel? You may not suffer from my loss Or share this lonely grief, But I'm mourning my baby, Who's life was much too brief. I'm sure you don't know how I feel, I don't expect you to. Don't ask me to get over it That's something I can't do.

Without grief, there's no healing It's a journey I must make. It's not the path that I would choose, but one I'm forced to take. No matter how you choose to see What I am going through, I need compassion and support I'd do the same for you. Author: Gwen Flowers. If we could have a lifetime wish A dream that would come true, We'd pray to God with all our hearts For yesterday and You. A thousand words can't bring you back We know because we've tried Neither will a thousand tears We know because we've cried You left behind our broken hearts And happy memories too But we never wanted memories We only wanted You.

Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow.

The Republic, by Plato

I am sunlight on ripened grain; I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft star that shines at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there, I did not die. Author: Mary Frye Sometimes I sense a little flutter. Like a shadow swiftly slipping by. Or I hear a silent, gentle murmur. Like a soft whisper from out the sky.

I hear you call my name, Or clearly see your face before me. And I feel that you are with me still. Then peacefully I come to know As I am thinking happy thoughts of you You, my son, are thinking of me too. Loving memories fill my aching heart. As dreaming dreams of what could be. Or might have been, if you were here.

Until the piercing pain of losing you Comes tumbling down on trembling fear.

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You could not then in LOVE remember me. When God calls little children to dwell with Him above, We mortals sometime question the wisdom of His love. For no heartache compares with the death of one small child, Who does so much to make our world, seem wonderful and mild, Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold, So He picks a rosebud, before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but few to make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view. Believing this is difficult still somehow we must try, The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Goodbye. Nor a star shooting across the dark sky, And, surely, not a misguided butterfly. It was an Angel outside my window last night. An Angel flew past my window at dawn, Dancing a delicate pirouette on the lawn All the while singing her heavenly song, For only a moment then she was gone.

An Angel was outside my window at dawn. An Angel flew past my window today. A creature so lovely I begged her to stay. She smiled, spread her wings, and soared away, Her brightness replaced by a shroud of gray. An Angel was outside my window today. If an Angel flies past your window tonight So beautiful and thoughtful and radiating light. Glory to God! If an Angel appears outside your window tonight. Daddy please don't look so sad. Mummy please don't cry. Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies. Please try not to question God, don't think He is unkind.

Don't think He sent me to you and then He changed His mind. You see, I am so special I was needed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him The product of your love. I'll always be there with you, and watch the sky at night. Find the brightest star that's gleaming, that's my halo shining bright. You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your windowpane. That's me, in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain. When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows, That's me! I'll be there, planting a kiss upon your nose.

When you see a child playing and your heart feels a little tug That's me! I'll be there, giving your heart a special hug. So, Daddy please don't look so sad. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow or sun without rain. But God did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and a light for the way. And for all who believe in his kingdom above, He answers their faith with everlasting love.

Have you ever met a person that fulfilled you deep inside? Someone who has never failed you and stands, no matter, by your side. Someone who gives from their heart and brings sunshine all around, Always smiling and laughing, never seeming down. Have you ever watched a sunset across the ocean shore, And been filled with love and peace, never needing more? Have you ever listened to the wind flowing restlessly through the night? And heard the angel's whispers helping you when you've lost sight. Have you heard a song that moves you and sets your soul free, And makes you feel wild and happy.

And feel so worthy inside, that you didn't care? You see my friend heavenly creatures surround you, So listen closely to what they say, They'll bring you all of life's riches, as they guide you along your way. Smith and Wayne Kirkpatrick. I said, "God, I hurt. All the hopes and all the dreams and all the tears we've cried are wrapped in love and tenderness and safely tucked inside All the wishes, all the plans that never came to be are held within a broken heart and quiet memory The tiny little treasures that we can hold and touch keep us close forever to the child we love so much.

Dear Mummy, I just wanted to let you know that I made it home. The journey wasn't an easy one, but it didn't take too long. Everything is so pretty here, so white, so fresh and new. I wish that you could close your eyes and that you could see it too. Please try not to be sad for me Try to understand. God is taking care of me I'm in the shelter of His hands. Here there is no sadness, no sorrow, and no pain.

Here there is no crying, and I'll never hurt again. Here it is so peaceful when all the angels sing, I really have to go now- I've just got to try my wings We thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. We thought about you yesterday, and the day before that, too. We think of you in silence, and often speak your name. All we have are memories, and your picture in a frame. Your memory is our keepsake, with which we'll never part.

God has you in his keeping, we have you in our hearts. My grief is like a river, I have to let it flow, But I myself determine, Just where the banks will go. Some days the current takes me In waves of guilt and pain But there are always quiet pools Where I can rest again. I crash on rocks of anger My faith seems faint indeed But there are other swimmers Who know just what I need Are loving hands to hold me When the waters are too swift And someone kind to listen When I just seem to drift Grief's river is a process Of relinquishing the past By swimming in Hope's channels I'll reach the shore at last Author: Cynthia G.

Mommy and Daddy don't cry for me. To walk the earth was not meant to be. I'm in God's house you see. I watch over you every day. I know that you love me in a very special way. You wanted me to be healthy and whole, So you had to let me go. You will get to see me every day As you look at the children who past your way. I may be the little boy with the dimple in his chin Or the little boy with the golden curl. You will know what you did is right Because When you look in the sky on a clear star filled night, I will be the star that is shining so bright.

I love you Mommy and Daddy good night. Authore:Alfred Lang. My mum, she tells a lot of lies she never did before but from now until she dies she'll tell a whole lot more. Ask my mum how she is and because she can't explain she will tell a little lie because she can't describe the pain. Ask my mum how she is she'll say "I am alright" if that's the truth then tell me why does she cry each night? Ask my mum how she is "I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping" for God's sake mum just tell the truth just say your heart is broken. She'll love me all her life I loved her all of mine but if you ask her how she is she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven I cannot hug from here if she lies to you don't listen hug her and hold her near. On the day we meet again we'll smile and I'll be bold I'll say, "you're lucky to get in here mum with all the lies you told! Dear Mr Postman, can you send a letter from me I need it sent from up above to my earthly family Please send it quick, my mummy's sad, I hate to see her cry Every night she prays to God and sadly asks him why. Please let it say, I could not stay, with an angel I had to go I'm fine, I'm happy here with the other babies I know I hope it reads to Daddy, I know you love me too I miss you lots and all the things that we had planned to do.

Nana, how I'll miss your hugs and kisses planned for me I know how much you'll miss the growing child that I should be Close it with I love you so, I'm with you in your heart I never really left you see, I was an angel from the start. There is a special Angel in Heaven that is a part of me It is not where I wanted him but where God wanted him to be. He was here but just a moment like a night time shooting star And though he is in Heaven he isn't very far. He touched the hearts of many like only an Angel can do I would've held him every minute if the end I only knew.

So I send this special message to Heaven up above Please take care of my Angel and send him all my love. I would like to send a letter to heaven and address it to the one I love. My child has left this world, to be with the Lord above. I would tell her that I love her, and that I miss her loving touch. I would ask if she could visit, if we promised not to cry. Maybe one more time to see her We forgot to say "Good-bye. So please - - we need a visit. We promise we'll be good. It is so hard, we miss her. Oh Lord, this feeling is the worst. We know you gave her to us, yes, we know you had her first.

But you called her prematurely, I'm sorry I question your will. I know you have your reasons but Lord - - I miss her still. If you'd only make an exception please consider what we plea. It is so hard accepting that our daughter - - We will never see. Oh baby I write you this letter with all the love there is to be had.

Because it's just not me who's hurting there's your brother and your dad. We need so much to see you, then we'll try to let you rest. But if not in this world, baby, then we'll see you in the next. Author: Paula Osipovitch. Mother, please don't mourn for me; I'm still here, though you don't see.

I'm right by your side, each night and day and within your heart I long to stay. My body is gone but I'm always near. I'm everything you feel, see or hear. My spirit is free, but I'll never depart as long as you keep me alive in your heart. I'll never wander out of your sight--I'm the brightest star on a summer night. She cried regularly. At the four-day gathering in Kansas City, Missouri, where the movement is based, he joined 25, other young people to pray for spiritual revival on college campuses throughout America.

After Tyler returned from the conference, his experiences with the supernatural seemed to intensify dramatically. As we walked across campus, he would see an army of demons carrying banners in front of the library. We never went back. I began to seriously consider the possibility that we were living in the last generation. The teachers and staff all had a message for the students: Everything we thought we knew about the world was wrong. Before joining the prayer group, I had been a fairly tolerant person. Now I was different.

I was belligerent toward my gay and atheist friends. I picked fights and insulted them viciously. As the prayer group expanded, it became an enchanted sphere where supernatural things seemed to be happening all the time. I began having ominous dreams in which the school was flooded and taken over by monsters. Once, we found a candy wrapper in the ceiling of one of our members, Micah Moore; we burned it, because God showed us that it had been used to practice witchcraft.

In the everyday college world of exams and choir concerts and dining-hall meals, these episodes seemed outlandish—and to outsiders, maybe even disturbing. But within the Gnostic dream world of our small Charismatic enclave, they seemed perfectly normal. By the end of the next semester, several of us were already making plans to move to Kansas City. I was kicked out of the prayer group for the first time a year and a half later.

Roughly two dozen of us were now living together in group houses in Missouri, sharing our money and working part-time jobs while we attended classes at IHOP University. Three nights a week, we worshipped together. I continued to live in the house, but I was completely isolated.

Why did I stay? I was conflicted. All of my friends said I had a serious problem—so serious that I had been effectively quarantined. These were my closest friends in the world. I began to wonder if they might be right. Maybe I truly was hateful, malicious—wicked. I no longer trusted by own instincts. When my boss saw that I was depressed and had stopped eating, she contacted one of the senior leaders at IHOP University.

We met, and I described my living situation.

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The group threw a huge party in my honor, but within a few days, I began to wish I had never come back. Tyler now said he could sense when a person was sinning. The group was being run like a military boot camp, with chores and activities to keep us occupied virtually every hour of the day. The girls would wake up around seven to clean their house before the guys came over for lunch. Around five, we would reconvene at one of the houses to prepare dinner. We would eat between pm and pm and then spend several hours praying or singing.

Once every few weeks, there was even a surprise evacuation drill. We had prophecy time at least three nights a week. Everyone said similar things, although they often ended up being proven wrong later. Those who disagreed were called out for being arrogant and rebellious and were forced to repent. By the end of that summer, even the slightest gesture, no matter how innocent, could be misconstrued as evidence of demonic influence. As a precaution, I was isolated, and two of the boys kept constant watch over me.

Once, Micah accused me of manipulating someone into coming over and hugging me. After a woman in the group had her bedroom door and Bible taken away from her, she complained to IHOP. And I was beginning to face my own doubts. My questions about the group had been accumulating for years, but one night, I heard the group praying against me in the next room.

My friends and I were all being whipped into a frenzy by the delirious tonic of prophecy and persecution fantasies. At first I was distraught. If I moved out, I would be walking away from all my best friends. I had hoped I could push the group in a more positive direction. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew it was time for me to go.


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On the first day of April, I moved out. Even the logistics of grieving were complicated; on the day of her visitation, Tyler tried to have me removed from the funeral home. Meanwhile, IHOP sent several leaders to investigate the prayer community. The boys who still lived with Tyler were asked to move out immediately, and current and former members were questioned. And then they interrogated Micah, the person who had been charged with guarding me during one of my periods of isolation from the group. During questioning, he broke down and confessed that he had suffocated Bethany. There, he told a lurid tale: He and other men in the group had sexual relationships with Tyler, and together, they had ritually assaulted Bethany.

She had been killed, Micah said, because they were afraid she would tell her therapist about the assaults. This raised intense questions in the IHOP community, and Bickle and others held information sessions to address them.



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