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I imagine we'll have to look after him for the next ten years, at least. He's witty, physically perfect, bilingual, slightly above average IQ, but has absolutely no practical ability, nor does he show any initiative in developing any. If anyone has any ideas Your son probably doesn't realise what his problem is, or that he has one at all. I have adhd I wasn't diagnosed until i was 21 and before that i was severely depressed because i had no energy to do activities. I raced motorcross in my youth and every time i "had" to go for a ride it would kill me, i just wanted to come home and fall on a couch after school.
I was always tired. What changed my life was dextroamphetamine. The first day i took it i sat down and did my taxes and enjoyed i!! What it did above all else was help me to concentrate on what was in front of me instead of funnelling energy into my mind doing circles, which presented as anxiety fear of work as i was always so tired, fear of failure, fear of life not working no matter how hard i tried and thoughts of suicide I am now almost off dextroamphetamine, i feel it has taught me good habits over the three or so years i was on it and i am now so much better for it, having discovered a career path and just being generally happier.
You are in a difficult spot To answer your question, some of what you probably need to do is "wait" and help him understand that you are there for him, but also have specific expectations of his becoming independent at a reasonable age. Waiting not only often highlights their lack of success to date, it also offers time for the brain to mature. Executive function skills develop more slowly in those with ADHD - generally reaching a full maturity in the late 20s rather than mid 20s as with other people.
So the "direction" you would give him is something like this "as long as what you choose is safe, we truly don't care what it is you choose to engage in If he is the right age, he might work with a career counselor or regular counselor, to take an inventory of his skills and brainstorm with someone other than his parents about what he might try. Make sure he understands that trying does not mean a long-term commitment, either. You are eager to have him experiment and see what works for him. I suggest the counselor simply because it will take pressure off your relationship.
It's likely you've been "telling him what to do" in one way or another providing boats, etc. He needs to work with an outsider who will, by profession, put him in charge. In the meantime, as you transition into his buying into the idea, it's probably a good idea not to be too critical of the current choices he is making. At least for the time being. This article makes me think my ADHD partner is incapable. I try the excersizes online I remind, I enforce with my bf I tell him my needs and listen to his. I'm bipolar and I have my own set of problems but I work pay bills clean my home among other things.
Because having mental illness isnt a excuse to not to do basic human things. I know I'm better at things, I could be okay with that if he met me even a quarter of the way. I feel like the more I try to get my home together the more he sits on that couch expecting me to do everything. Hell clean but gets frustrated and he's told me honestly his mom made him do chores but never organize or do laundry nothing he couldn't handle. It frustrates me cause I have to handle all my emotions and even control my manic wants, I chose to overcome my obstacles but he feels I ride his ass about a job or cleaning and even upset if I get upset about the laziness.
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If I threaten to leave tho he suddenly knows how to pick up a broom and my whole home will be clean. I honestly don't want to use negativity to get him to do stuff but its honestly the only way he will listen to. I feel like a monster and been depressed working for this guy to wait for the right job.
Every article I read its like baby them they will change well I'm starting to think adhd ERS take advantage of me.
This is my second relationship with one and both outcomes the same. I get tired of babying I have my own son to raise I have my own wounds to lick, I shouldn't have to cook clean work pay bills for someone who doesn't have the attention span to realise the shitty home he complains about is a result of my hours of work! I want to see an article about helping ADHD person figure life out without mothering them.
For what it's worth, I agree with you. Every article is basically the same thing over and over - "Baby them and they'll grow out of it". Babying people doesn't help them - It teaches them to be dependent and useless. The author of this article had a back and forth with someone and said that all they need are the tools to succeed. I agree with that but, if they're too lazy or "forget" to use the tools, then it doesn't make any difference. I feel for you. My coworker is going through the same thing with his stepson, and it's definitely starting to take a toll on their marriage. He tries to correct and guide his stepson, while the Mom defends her little 12 year old baby every time he does something wrong or, usually, doesn't bother doing anything at all , with "He has ADHD!
He can't help it! I caught him the other day looking for apartments. It's a shame, because I know he loves her and he's a very handsome guy women are constantly flirting with him, and he turns every single one down and say "I'm married". He's in shape, makes good money and is a jack of all trades as far as fixing stuff around the house.
In short, he's a better man than I'll ever be. She's gonna be in a world of hurt once he decides he's had enough of her and her lazy, spoiled, "I have ADHD! Good luck, and don't waste your life trying to fix and carry a grown man. That's probably why he is the way he is - He's been carried and babied his whole life.
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So much for these so-called experts and their advice. If parents of ADHD children do not use every effort to guide and stay on top of a male child, then you will have nothing but a lazy, scattered boy in a mans body. I know because my 35 year old step son was coddled growing up and now he is my problem as we have hired him to work for our company that my husband and I operate out of our home. While on the clock, and waiting to leave for the day, which can be up to 2 hours, he is constantly checking his phone, playing games or music, listening to sports talk shows.
Whatever, his attention is elsewhere. This 35 year old has never moved out of the house and still lives with his mom. The reason we had to hire him was because he could not keep a job due to his inability to arrive on time, he called in sick when ever he felt like it and generally a poor employee. He was fired from 2 jobs before we hired him. This 35 year old man is constantly forgetful, piddles around when he could be doing something useful like helping me do yard work.
Mind you, every morning his walk is brisk to punch in on the time clock, but the gait turns into slow motion as he putters around working hard at hardly working. He would rather play on his phone while feigning cleaning the work truck by walking around opening and closing doors and compartments, acting as if he is cleaning it. Rewrapping a wire that was already wrapped. Moving items and then returning it to the same place it was before. It happens almost everyday. On taking instructions, I heard my husband tell him several times a few days ago, to take accurate measurements for a job.
He stressed how important these measurements were. The next day my stepson shows up an hour early, only because he didn't realize the change in Daylight Saving Time, and turn his clock forward, otherwise he is always late. After being told several times about the measurements, my stepson had forgotten to take a measurement and had to return to a job.
Time wasted while on the clock When telling my husband the door was left open, he says nothing. When my SS returns, he piddles around the work truck until I find something constructive for him to do. After working for about 20 minutes, he goes back to puttering. This behavior is after he has been told several times to not wait to be told what to do but to walk the property and find a task and take care of it. We hired him four years ago, and he still can't figure out what needs to be done.
While I write this, I know the problem is not that he can't figure out what needs to be done, it is because he is lazy and does not want to rake, push a lawnmower, pull a weed, edge the yard, wash the truck or anything of that nature. I knew he would be a problem employee and had a lazy streak but agreed to hired him with the understanding he would help me during idle time, to do mundane lawn chores for him, but very difficult for me, especially when it blazing hot outside. By the way, I am 58 years old. Yet after 4 years, I still have horrible arguments with my husband regarding his sons lack luster performance in helping me.
So to save an argument, I end up doing the work, while my stepson watches me work. My hands and back are sore from this type of work, but I still have to do it because my husband still coddles this guy and does not support me in making my stepson complete these tasks. Instead, my husband yells at me that I am ruining everything by inconveniencing his son to do work for me.
How does that make sense? When the subject came up about the garage door being left open again, my husband told him, "you left the garage door open again, you need to be more careful bud. I'm sure he would remember to shut the door with a fine pending, but my husband says he needs the money due to the fact that my stepson's wife does not work, and he has a 5 year old and a 16 year old from different women.
My stepson got a girl PG at 15 while he was a boy scout after my husband and I had given him several talks about not having children at a young age, that it would be hard financially etc. We did not even think he has having sex at 15 but felt we needed to have the talk anyway. He claimed up and down that he was not sexually active. Almost 9 months later, my husband became a grandfather. My husband and I have had so my arguments over this situation. My stepson is a very nice guy, pleasant to be around, yet it is like being around a 18 year old.
Nothing to talk to him about but movies, TV shows and what cute thing his daughter did. His hair is always greasy hidden under a cap, his nails are caked with black dirt, always has about 3 days growth of stubble on his face, his teeth look gnarly and unbrushed and he wears unwashed work clothes.
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Clothes that my husband purchases so that he can look presentable on jobs. Why his wife and mother allow him to walk out the door like that is a mystery. My husband says he does a good job in the field and that he is training his son to take over our business. On the other hand, he refers to him as "the kid" who is just learning, that he will come around. Somehow I don't see "the kid" becoming more than labor, a helper. My nerves are frayed and I am sick of this mess but I love my husband very much.
If it were not for my faith in God and only though his grace, can I continue to put up with this situation. Anyone out there with some suggestions? I know this is an older article, but I'm hoping someone can answer something for me. I've done a lot of searches, but they've yielded no results. Why is it that those with ADHD only seem to "forget" their responsibilities? A friend at work has a stepson with ADHD, and it's the same nonsense - The kid "forgets" to do his chores everyday, but doesn't forget to ask for the allowance for doing or, in his case, not doing said chores.
He's 12 years old, and "forgets" that he has homework every. He "forgets" to feed his goldfish or dog, but never forgets to brag about owning said pets. At some point, you'd think certain things would simply become habit. How are you tasked with doing the same thing everyday, yet magically forget you have to do it, everyday? It takes how long to form a habit? Two weeks? Yet this kid is 12 years old, and God only knows how old the boyfriend of the poster I referenced is, and they still act surprised that they have to do this stuff, like it's a brand new thing that just started this morning.
So, am I the only one that finds it awfully suspicious that the only things these people "forget" are their responsibilities? We all forget things sometimes, but this seems to be a trend with ADHD people. I'm not trying to start a debate or an argument, and I know this is anecdotal evidence, but the math here just doesn't add up.
I could see it if the things they forget were a little bit from every category but, from what I've seen and read, it's ONLY the "responsibilities" category that is conveniently forgotten on a consistent, daily basis. Hi - to the person who asked the question about why it is that those with ADHD seem to only forget their responsibilities, and not the fun stuff, like the iPad This is actually a very real, neurologically based part of ADHD, which has to do with lower levels of the neurotransmitters that work in the reward system of the brain.
ADHD isn't named very well - it's about 'attention dysregulation' not 'attention deficit. There are other reasons that following through on promised chores or remembering them at all are so difficult for those with ADHD - including poor executive function which does planning, among other things and often quite poor working memory.
There is another aspect for the 12 year old. The logical thinking parts of their brains mature around age 27, instead of about However, this doesn't mean that if you just wait, they will 'grow out of it. Adults with ADHD are more likely to lose their jobs or quit; have car accidents; get divorced; have financial problems, etc. It isn't that one should pamper those with ADHD - rather, it is helpful to understand what it is and what it is not. The child you described probably has not yet learned skills that specifically work for those with ADHD, is immature relative to friends, may have some social issues as well as impulsivity Being judgmental about his still-developing skill set will not help.
It's a terrific view into what works and what doesn't. In this day and age society teaches us that everyone is a victim or something or someone. ADHD is one example. My advice is to stop eating the crap you're eating, go out and do some real labor 8 hours at the end of a shovel, or try roofing! You'll then be in a much better position to focus your attention when your physical dominion is satisfied. I guarantee your ADHD will subside after a few weeks of a new [structured] routine that has a real balance of intellectual mental and physical stimulation.
Bottom line, if you want something bad enough you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse. Your comment is the classic, judgmental type of statement that demonstrates a complete lack of understanding of the neurobiology of ADHD. It is true that exercise will focus your attention - for a few hours after you do it. So you have that right. But there are a whole lot of people who would love it if your 'guarantee' that they could just organize their way out of ADHD were correct.
Sadly, you are wrong. This article makes me feel that people who have to live with the negative consequences of adhd behaviors will be judged as immoral for not accepting or supporting people with adhd when their behavior is abusive and a threat to the lives and health of affected indoviduals. My adhd sibling knows enough to hide her bullying from people she wanted to impress socially and beat the crap out of me when important people weren't looking. She has caused injuries and near fatal accidents because she believes she is absolved of all responsibility for reckless behavior, loss of temper, or forgetting safety rules.
It may be true that people with adhd have difficulty with certain cognitive tasks, but the rest of us struggle with our own individual shortcomings and weaknesses and have to add fear, injury, and depression to our problems as a result of people like my sibling who don't feel any obligation to control anti-social and destructive impulses.
It would be different if it just meant they struggle in school and have trouble concentrating. It is a threat to life and mental health when my sibling let's her dog urinate and defecate in the family home and throws violent tantrums when asked to help clean her mess or prevent he dog from biting people.
It is a legal and moral crime when she tied up an animal in way that is nearly resulted in the death of that animals and shrugged it off with a defensive "I forgot". Or pushed someone down a flight of stairs or into a busy road because they were blocking her way.
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It may seem foreign to some people to consider the safety and health of others just as it is a struggle for many people to attend to things that do not come naturally to them. I understand what you mean by insisting on understanding and sympathy but articles like this feel callous to someone on my situation where a family member with adhd is completely unwilling to consider anything but their own impulses and desires and rages.
It is a moral issue. Everyone who has commited a serious crime probably had mental health problems but it doesn't change the moral and legal weight of their actions or the fact that failure to adhere to certain social conventions can destroy lives and minds and cause death and injury to others. I just find this article really one sided and unfeeling due to present circumstance and a lifetime of serious and often criminal abuse from a person who has faced no consequences for her actions and launches into verbal and physical attacks daily because she cannot deal with stubbed toes or the effort of making her own coffee.
Thank you for posting your experiences. I am not a doctor, and so do not diagnose. My article is about a misinterpretation of symptoms as laziness because it is common that when people have trouble completing tasks, or avoid taking them on because symptoms get in their way they are thought to be 'lazy' when that's not what's actually going on. Whatever your sibling's mental health issues and it is more than ADHD, I guarantee it I feel for you and all of those who have been subjected to this hurt. The point of correctly identifying mental health issues is so that you know what you are dealing with and the person can seek help.
When it comes to ADHD - and, again, what you are describing is not just ADHD - one of the ways we can help is to correctly interpret what is happening. This helps everyone create strategies to work 'with' the issue rather than against it. So in the case I write about in the post rather than labeling the person with ADHD lazy, which would only serve to make the situation worse by deepening shame, one would develop strategies to help that person initiate or complete tasks more easily.
I am sorry for the pain that you have experienced. Please don't associate that cruelty with ADHD, though. It's not the same thing. Your hyper-focus courtship wasn't at all like the real relationship. Now what? Back Psychology Today. Back Find a Therapist. Back Get Help. Back Magazine. Subscribe Issue Archive.
Back Today. The Power of Rituals to Heal Grief. The Positives of Dyslexia. Follow me on Twitter. I hate when Submitted by Anonymous on May 7, - pm. ADHD people are lazy, this is a myth. Submitted by SilverSeas on August 11, - pm. Adults with ADHD simply need to get more disciplined, and organize their lives 3. ADHD symptoms can be overcome without intervention. ADHD is a make believe disorder. Invisible Disabilities Submitted by Cyllya on May 16, - am.
Submitted by Anonymous on January 17, - pm. Passive Aggressive Submitted by Karyn on April 12, - pm. What about a little Submitted by Emelie on June 19, - pm. Everyone lacks something?! Submitted by Louise on October 10, - pm. Sorry, but Submitted by This Guy on January 26, - am. You've inadvertently proved my point. Submitted by Melissa Orlov on January 26, - pm. There is no room for creativity or excellence outside of fixing a machine - the David Bowies and Michael Phelps of the world don't have the 'right' skill set yours Real people don't do things in different ways - we are all lemmings Submitted by This Guy on January 26, - pm.
Last post on this Submitted by Melissa Orlov on January 26, - pm. Who do you want at your cash register? That calculator Submitted by Melissa Orlov on January 26, - pm. Coddling Submitted by Ava Dean on March 13, - pm. Hyperfocus is a choice Submitted by Si on May 5, - am. I'm sorry, but I'd have to Submitted by Anonymous on May 14, - pm. You will do well, even though it's going to continue to be hard Submitted by Melissa Orlov on May 14, - pm.
Submitted by Anonymous on May 14, - pm. Thank you so much! Your comment was very helpful and comforting! Sorry for the bad grammar, I Submitted by Anonymous on May 14, - pm. What is ADHD? Submitted by Melissa Orlov on August 8, - pm.
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Your son probably doesn't Submitted by luke on April 30, - pm. Dilemma Submitted by Melissa Orlov on September 4, - am. Hope this gives you some ideas. Agreed Submitted by Frustrated on March 1, - pm. Question Submitted by Frustrated on March 1, - pm. Thanks for any help in trying to get me to wrap my head around this. Accomplished people achieve goals. Lazy people find excuses!
Submitted by Wake Up People! In the U. No wonder everyone has ADHD! Its not an excuse for violence or endangering others Submitted by Bullied sibling on September 13, - am. Post Comment Your name. E-mail The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Notify me when new comments are posted. All comments. Replies to my comment. My kids were just 8 and 10 years old at the time, and Netflix was a subscription DVD-by-mail company that had just started to stream movies online. You might be surprised to find out they achieved this impressive investing milestone by being lazy. Laziness caused them to invest in Netflix in the first place, then the additional effort of checking up on their stock portfolio performance and selling the stock was too much effort, so they just didn't do it.
Let's see what we can learn from my kids and how to apply these lessons to our own investing habits. At a young age, my kids figured out how to add movies to the family Netflix queue. I first realized this when I opened a red envelope expecting the next season of The Sopranos and a Pokemon movie was inside instead. While I was disappointed, it was hard to be mad at my kids, who had made a classic consumer choice of convenience. Getting movies the non-Netflix way was not easy or fun. Since they weren't old enough to drive, they had to convince their parents to take them to the video store, which was hard enough in the first place.
Once the trip to the video store was agreed to, it was likely to be paired with a visit to the grocery store or some other errand that would take them out of the house for much longer than desired. Once at the video store, there's a chance that the movie they wanted would be hard to find or maybe not even available. Once the video was rented, the trip home would seem to take forever. For my kids, the alternative was much easier: Take a few minutes to add the movie to the Netflix queue and go back to whatever they were doing.
Their reason for buying Netflix stock was simply that the service the company provided made their lives easier. That made sense to me. I also like to invest in companies that make things easier for me and save me time. In addition to Netflix, Alphabet , Amazon , and Apple immediately come to mind as companies focused on reducing the effort it takes me to get through my day.